New and Old.

It's been so long since there has been a rainy day here. I'm sitting in my room with my fan on with the smell of rain sweeping into my window. My poetic mind is reminded that even in the times of life when it rains and you can't see the sun, there is always an aroma of God's grace there, we just have to look for it. I've been in a time of swiftly moving forward in my life, but yet trying to not forget memories, even the ones that hurt me. As I was talking to a friend last night about my past, I realized that it's hard for me to connect with my past. I don't know who I was back then. It's not always easy for me to look back and smile, simply because I don't know that girl anymore. I was living in hurt for so long and I finally feel so happy. So what do I make of the memories of the old me? What do I do with them? I could let them control who I am today. I've done that for awhile. It's been hard for me to let anyone get close to me because I'm so scared of losing them. The truth is is that God brings people into our lives to love. He brings friends into our lives for a reason. Instead of dwelling on the hurt of friendships or relationships not working out, it's good to be grateful that we've had those times. God is bringing to me a place where I can realize that I have a blessed life. I'm blessed to have been a part of peoples lives even if I am not now. I'm also realizing that I don't need to be scared to let new friends be close to me. Even if I lose them one day, I can look back and smile on the fond memories we have together. Through all the hurt and pain, I can finally look back and see God's blueprint on my life. I don't understand everything, but I know that I am a better person today because of all the people God put in my life and all the hurt that I went through. The truth is, you can't love anything or anyone without being hurt. People are imperfect and we all hurt each other. Loving is a risk. I love what C.S. Lewis said, “To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” ― C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves 
When we open our hearts up to love, we are opening ourselves up to hurt. But we can't just live in a coffin and ever expect to truly be happy. Relationships with God and others is what makes life meaningful. It's not success or hobbies or money or talent, or romance... it's the relationships -- the ones that are fulfilling and the ones that break your heart.
I'm learning a lot about who I am. There is no reason I should change who I am for anybody. This is definitely a work in progress for me, because I always have wanted people to like me. I love people and I want them to love me back, but unfortunately that can't always be the case. I'm slowly beginning to know who I am and be comfortable with that. The truth is, I am a Jesus loving, curly-haired, strong-willed goofy, hyper, sometimes shy, weirdo...and that is okay. I have my issues, but we all do. Why do we try so hard to be perfect? We aren't. God knows we aren't. If we have given Him control of our lives we are under His grace. We should want to be like Him, but when we fall short (and we will everyday) it is okay. He knows we are only dust.
This summer is taking a crazy turn. I was rather annoyed at God that I was not going to Africa this summer yet again. Then I thought maybe He wanted me to go to Florida to see my family instead. When that didn't work out either I was like, "God, what the heck? I thought you had an adventure this summer? I feel like I have nothing to look forward to." I started to accept the fact that I was just going to work this summer and I felt peace about it. I really wanted to use my gifts for ministry or something. Then I thought maybe God just wanted to use me at work, which I think He is. He's given me such a love for the people there. I'm excited to get to know everyone more. But I wanted more for this summer. I wanted to do something even more exciting. Well, God provided. He swung a door wide open for me. I will not be specific yet because I don't find it necessary, but God is definitely making this summer way more exciting than I expected! God is so faithful to blow my expectations. I'm still so amazed at what He is doing in my family and in my life! What a blessing I am living right now! I thought I was going to miss Elim like crazy, but the truth is, I miss everyone, but I'm so excited about what God is doing now I'm in no hurry to get back. I'm content.
Well, I will hopefully find time to write again soon. Blessings to you all!

Beautiful People... Beautiful Uncertainty.

God is so faithful. I got a great job that just landed in my lap. The people are great, and it pays pretty good. I had to get used to the idea of going to work everyday, seeing as how I became used to owning my own time. I received a pretty quick wake up call from real life. After the shock of it, I learned to accept the fact that I am an adult and I'm growing up. However, I will never allow myself to lose the simplicity and playfulness of a child. That's not something I ever want to part with, even when I'm old and grey with arthritis and no hearing.
Making time for God has been a struggle these past few weeks, although He's never far from my thoughts. I'm constantly asking Him to use me in the lives of those around me. I haven't told many of my co-workers, but I've grown to like them very much in just these few short weeks. I pray for them often and think of them often. Their personalities and interests are so different, but yet so beautiful. The more people I get to know, the more I learn to love the differences in everyone. It's amazing just how unique everyone is. God has been filling me with love for people to an extent I don't always understand or know how to express. I just feel like I'm overflowing sometimes and I want to pour God's love out on somehow. It sounds strange when I say it, but it's true. I just want people to know how beautiful their uniqueness is and that God made them that way. So few people know this. They feel the need to be like everyone else, not realizing they are compromising something very special Christ put in them: uniqueness. It's better for people to love you as you rather than love you for who you are pretending to be. As you read this you might be in the same place as I was at one point. I didn't know who I was, so I couldn't be me. God created you so He knows who you were meant to be. Ask Him to show you, and He will.
My life seems to be full of uncertainty right now. It's so easy to want to fight it and figure things out, but that would mess up God's lesson in the uncertainty. There have been some things that have consumed my thoughts so much that I've felt bad. I've said, "God, I'm so sorry You're not what is consuming my thoughts! I can't seem to focus." I just hear His still small whisper say, "My Kelsey, don't feel guilty for a lesson I am teaching you now." God knows our hearts and our struggles and wants to walk us through them. There's a few potential opportunities in my life now, but I don't know what God's will is for them. I want to record a cd, and I think it will happen but I don't know when or how. I feel God calling me to Africa, and I think it's for next summer, but I'm not totally sure. I have so many desires and passions rolling around in me, and I have no clue how they are going to fall into place. At first it drove me crazy. Now, I'm at peace. I'm sure at times I will become anxious again, but I'm slowly learning to embrace the uncertainty. I know that God's way is best. He's proven it to me again and again. I know that God sees the desires of my heart. He knows what I'm created for better than I do. I can trust my future with Him. Though my life is so uncertain right now, I know who is the author of my story and I know He delights in happy endings. I'll write again soon!

Memories, Good and Bad.

I've decided I'm going to write more, if my schedule allows. I feel like I have so much inside of me that needs to be typed on sometimes. I might as well use my blog to do it. Maybe someone else can benefit from my ponderings other than myself.
As I've been home I've come to love it here once again. The atmosphere is so different than at Elim. It's not as sheltered or as safe, however it's the real world. I've been doing a lot of thinking. I'm by myself a lot and my mind gets wandering sometimes. I love my home, and I'm grateful for the beautiful countryside I live in. Before last February I was unable to really appreciate it here. Going home flooded me with memories I would have rather forgotten. It reminds me of my high school years. My high school years were very different, although not that long ago. It's only been a little over a year. Whenever I think back to high school, it makes me sad. The majority of what I can see is broken relationships, broken friendships, and broken hearts. Now don't get me wrong, compared to most people, I had it made. I have just lost many of my friends I thought I would always have. I suppose it hurts to know that they are moving on, experiencing a new life, and have forgotten about me. I'm not saying this for some sort of pity party. I find it interesting. Even though I've experienced much hurt the past few years, I can look back and see God's hand in it. I do not have an answer to every trial or every broken heart I've had myself or have caused, but I know that God taught me things. He matured me. He has shown me that people let you down, and we let people down, yet He is always there and will never leave. He's not about to give up on us or walk away from us because we've hurt Him. He's faithful to us. He never takes the side of the accuser, He always takes our side. I think before I went to Elim I did not realize how much I've learned the past few years through hard times. Some of my friends would experience hard things and I suddenly knew exactly what to say. I found myself thinking, "Wow, God! I didn't know that wisdom was in there!" If you stay close to God, it's when you are kicked around, hurt, rejected, confused and lonely when you grow and learn the most! It's NOT all for nothing. That has been a lie I've believed. I was convinced my high school years were a waste. "I could have gotten my GED and left high school early," I thought. But no, it was not God's plan. He knew I would be leaving prematurely. There were still lessons to be learned. If I was never hurt, I would have never learned how to let Him heal me. More importantly, if I was never hurt, I never would be able to understand the hurts of others. I truly believe God is training to me to minister to broken hearts. I know others have experienced worse than I, much worse. I still know what a broken heart is, even if not to its greatest extent. I've learned to think that if what I've been through hurt that bad, how much worse does it feel for someone who has been through worse? My heart breaks for those who hurt. I wish I could help the mom sobbing wishing her baby to come home knowing he never will, or the wife who realizes her husband will never return from war. I know I can't, but my God can. He was there for me in smaller hurts than this, He will be faithful to be there for those suffering intense pain.
So when you are feeling like your sufferings and hurts have no purpose, please just remember that God will work it out for good if you let Him. You can fight Him, but He wants to give you a good life. He wants to use you. Don't even feel like what you're going through is for nothing. It may seem pointless, but with God, there is always a point to everything. Let Him lead you.
This post seems rather chaotic and random, but I hope someone receives from this. Thanks for reading!

Crippling Fear

My first year of college is finished! It's crazy how time flies, but at the same time it feels like this past year has been five years because of all that I learned and how much I've grown. It was hard to leave Elim. Even though it is just for the summer, it's hard to leave such a strong healthy community like that. You quickly become so entwined with one another's lives. It's also such a protected environment spiritually and emotionally. It's easy to live for God there. It's easy to feel safe and accepted more than any other place I've been. I don't think I realized just how different Elim was from home until I got home.
I was expecting to be spiritually attacked when I got home, because it normally happens. I wasn't expecting it to come in the way it did though. Usually I get hit with depression and gloom. I was determined not to let that happen again. I prayed often God would give me strength in that area. My attack didn't come is this way. It came in the area of fear...crippling fear. My first night home from Elim I began to feel very ill. I felt like the room was spinning, I became really hot and my heart started to pound. "Perhaps I didn't have enough protein," I thought to myself. So I began to eat nuts, but the feeling became worse and worse. "Am I having a heart attack," I thought. Surely I am to young for that. But as I thought about it I became fearful. I was afraid I needed to go to the hospital. I started to tremble all over. I must have scared my poor mother half to death! I asked her to pray with me. I couldn't seem to think straight. Everything was a blur and nothing made sense. I was trying to figure out if I needed to go to the hospital or if this was a spiritual attack. I asked God with the little strength I had to utter words. I began to realize it was a spiritual attack because every time my mom would touch my arm or say Jesus I started to shake more violently. I had no strength to do anything. I would try to worship or try to pray and shakes would overtake my body even more. "Oh God," I whispered, "I have no strength. Please help me. I can't do anything. Please help me." Whenever I would think it was starting to subside, it came back full force again. I listened for God's voice and heard, "Kelsey, you are fine. Nothing is wrong with you. You're going to be fine. Satan wants you dead." I told my mom what I heard and we starting saying it out loud. Slowly, the shaking starting to stop. As truth was spoken, the lie began to die. The lie that I was going to die or that something was seriously wrong with me. I started to sing Jesus over and over. Then I started to sing "There is Power in the Name if Jesus." The shakes subsided completely. My mom and I breathed a sigh of relief. This may sound crazy, or impossible, or psychotic, but I've never had anything happen like this to me. Since then I've had about 3 incidents like this but much milder. It happened once in church while I was on worship team. I didn't shake but I had major anxiety. Same thing happened on the way to the doctors last week, and the last thing I wanted to share was what happened last night. Before I went to bed I was worshiping and spending time with God. I went to bed feeling so full of peace. I was asleep for about an hour and I woke up with thoughts like, "What if God isn't really real? Maybe this is all in my head. What if I died tonight? What would happen?" I was overwhelmed with fear. I cried out to God, "Show me you're here God. Show me it's not in my head." I'd try to relax but I couldn't. I once again listened for God's voice and I heard Him again. "You're safe, you're loved, you're accepted.You're safe, you're loved, you're accepted," I heard Him say over and over and over again. I slowly relaxed and fell asleep.
You may think I'm a mental case now, and that's okay. I shared this that you might know how to battle with fear and doubt. I know God must be having me go through all this for some reason, and I'm sure He doesn't mind me sharing with you what I've learned from it all. When you are attacked, listen for the voice of peace. God is there speaking to you. Find His voice in your situation. Listen to what He says and declare it out loud. That's God speaking truth into your situation. He's there with you even when you feel overwhelmed and confused. He's there to be the voice of truth. Don't listen to the lies of the enemy. I'm certainly no expert, but I'm learning and so far this is the only thing that's been working. Maybe you aren't sure of God's voice. Maybe you doubt that you can hear Him. If you've accepted Christ, you can hear Him. It takes practice to recognize His voice. Start by reading your Bible. Read Jesus' words a lot. You can learn to recognize His voice by really getting His Word inside you. Read and meditate and memorize! Yes...memorize. That's one I have to work on. Also, journal. Write down what you think God is saying to you, even if you're not sure if it's Him. Practice makes perfect. God will show you if you're wrong. Obviously if it doesn't line up with Scripture it's not accurate. That's why learning the Word is important. But don't be so afraid to hear God wrong. You can't learn anything unless you're willing to make a mistake now and then. God's grace covers you. The truth is, you will hear wrong sometimes, but don't let that stop you from listening and stepping out on what He says. You'll learn quickly His voice. I'm simply sharing my heart and what God has taught me recently and within the past five years or so. He wants to speak to us and He is. Are you listening? He has so much to teach us! And we can only fight against the attacks of the enemy if we know His Word and know His voice. Knowing the Word without knowing His voice is not enough. You need to know His voice in order that He can speak into your specific situation. Knowing His voice without the Word is not enough. You are bound to get wrong ideas and not hear His voice accurately without the Word to guide you. I hope this is helpful to someone. God is the conqueror. In Him is victory. So don't fear if you feel like you're being kicked around by the enemy. So am I. And I can tell you God has something to impart to you and something to teach you in all of this.

Where has Time Gone?

Here I am at the end of the second semester and I can't believe it's gone by so fast, yet so slow at the same time. It seems like I've lived a whole new life here. It's probably because I have. I feel like a totally new person compared to who I was last year around this time. This year has been a healing process and a growing process. I finally feel free from my past, and everything that used to hold me down and come back to haunt me. God has finally showed me the purpose in it all...well most of it anyways. I've decided I really don't need to know absolutely everything. What would the fun be in that? God is showing me this semester that even if I don't know what's going on, He does and that's good enough.
This semester has been harder than last for a few different reasons. I will not get into all the reasons, but let's just say it has been emotionally, spiritually, physically, and mentally draining. I've struggled all this semester with fear of not being in God's will. It really tormented me. I want so badly to do what is right to the point that my closest friends were telling me I was a perfectionist. I thought, "Me? A perfectionist? How can that be true?" My view of a perfectionist is someone who gets perfect grades and has a clean room and is organized. Well God showed me that's not always the case. I wanted to be perfect at being a Christian. I didn't want to ever offend anyone or ever hurt anyone or ever disobey God or ever cause anyone any grief. It was to the point that I had an emotional breakdown one day. Something happened that I won't get into, and I started to blame myself for it. Suddenly I found myself thinking hateful thoughts against myself. God showed me that when I put that much pressure on myself to be perfect, I'll start hating myself. Only He can clean me out and make me holy. I didn't even realize I was trying to fix myself. I realized that over the years people put pressure on me to be perfect. If people ever heard how at home I disobeyed my parents as a kid they would say things like, "Kelsey? Nooo....I can't believe Kelsey would do that." Because of this, I felt like people expected me to be perfect from a young age. The need to do everything right was planted so deep in my heart and God has been working that out of me. Yes, it's good to want to do things right, but only God can help us do things right. We can't rely on ourselves like I did. We'll end up worn out and full of self hatred. God showed me that if my heart was to do His will, I was already in His will. It's all about the heart with Him. He knows I want to follow Him. I can't miss His will because of this. There's still things he hasn't made clear to me as of now, but I'm hoping He will soon. Even if He doesn't, I'm content. He takes good care of me all the time.
One thing I was praying about was going to Harvest School of Missions over this summer. It didn't end up working out for this summer, however I will be going next summer if I get accepted. Check it out if you'd like: http://www.irismin.org/missions/harvest . It's in Mozambique and I would get the chance to work with orphans, to feed the hungry, to pray for the sick, and to evangelize to bush areas. I can't express to you how excited I am to do this! I have been praying for a while about going to Africa. I thought about going the Uganda Water Project or staying with a missionary in Rwanda, but in my spirit it wasn't connecting. I knew I was supposed to go to Africa, but my heart wasn't lining up with these previous trips. It didn't feel like it was what I was called to do. Then I started hearing about this school. Finally I looked it up and as I read about it I started to cry and was filled with joy. I immediately knew this was what was in my heart to do. I started praying about going this summer. I was thinking about going and in was like God's voice interrupted my thoughts and said, "Go!" However, the spots were full for this summer. So I'm sure I'm supposed to go next summer. Whoever is reading this, if you could keep me in your prayers as I start to fund raise this summer and prepare to go that would be great. I'm excited, but at the same time I'm terrified! I've never been overseas before. I know God is speaking to me about nations though. I never would have thought God would ask me of all people to go to a crazy adventure to Africa.
As I've been thinking about this, I'm starting to think of other things God may ask me to do after Elim. I've grown to love and adore so many people here and the thought of us going are separate ways is heart-breaking. I can't imagine these people out of my life. They are my family as well as my immediate family. I feel like God never intended us to have to say goodbye. Once we're in heaven, we'll always be able to be together. It hurts so much to think of saying goodbye now though. I've felt my heart grow in love for so many people here. What's funny is most of them I thought unlikely to be close friends with. No particular reason, I just didn't see us as friends, but now I can't imagine my life without them. I love my Jesus and all the blessings He's given me. Some of them will be harder to let go of than others though. My friends will be hard to let go of...even for the summer. Seeing people every single day makes you close to them so fast.
Well, hopefully I'll be writing again soon. Love and Prayers to you and your family!

Thoughts from this Semester and What God is Showing Me

Some more friends:)

Well, my first semester of Elim is over. What a wide ride it has been! I've learned so much socially, spiritually,emotionally and academically. I knew that Elim was going to be awesome, but I didn't realize how awesome. I'm not sure what I would do without my new friends. They are so awesome and the best part is, they love Jesus as much as I do. I've been home for exactly a week now, and as much as I love being home with my family and friends here, I miss my Elim friends like crazy. I owe them a world of thanks for being there for me when I needed them. I don't think they know just how much I need them.

My Roomie and I :)

It's funny how when I first went to Elim, I had a different set of desires for my life than I do now. Some desires are the same, but some have changed significantly. I've found myself praying things like, "God, sent me to the dangerous places, where no one else wants to go." Or, "God please don't keep me in the wealth of this country, send me somewhere where people are truly starving and helpless." My own prayers are curious to me. These desires are not me but Jesus living in me. He's been changing and forming my heart to His own. "A new heart also will I give you, and a new spirit will I put within you: and I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh, and I will give you an heart of flesh" (Ezekiel 36:26). I can't explain and I can't understand all that God is doing, but I know my hunger for Him is growing. He's putting a urgency in my spirit to draw near to Him and to lay aside all distractions. The distractions aren't worth it. Many churches I've been to I see God stirring people up. He's making the church ready for something, for something big. But as He does this, distractions are rising up everywhere. The enemy is not liking whatever God is doing. God has been showing me that's why we need to fight even harder to seek His face. We NEED to. It's not an option. If we want to know God's heart we need to seek Him. God's been showing me that none of my distractions are worth giving up intimacy with Him. No way. He's so much better, so much sweeter than anything else I've ever known. How can we let little distractions get in the way of such a big God who is longing to be with us? We should be longing to be with Him because of His awesomeness, and power and great love, yet it's reversed. God longs for us and we can't fit the God of the universe in our schedules. How wrong is that? I'm preaching to me more than anyone. It sickens me to think of how many times I push God aside because I have "better" things to do. WHAT??!! This is the GOD of the UNIVERSE we're talking about! If we had any clue how awesome He truly is and how wonderful He is, we wouldn't give our distractions a second thought. I think the problem is, we don't know Him. We don't know who He is, so therefore, we don't care to give Him the time of day. We say we know Him, but if we are not compelled to be in His presence, that's a lie. Anyone who knows God even a little is compelled to spend more and more time with Him. If we aren't compelled like this, God is simply an acquaintance, and a last resort. Have you ever thought about it that way? God has been showing me just how much I really don't know Him. He's been compelling me to make Him a priority. Let me tell ya, when you try to put Him above all else, all Hell breaks loose, but you NEED to stand strong and fight it. He is worth it. He says we are worth Him giving up everything...but do we think He is worth giving up everything? He's worth so much more than us. How could I forget that? How could we forget that? Are we so consumed with our wealth and events in this country that somehow they've taken God's place? He is a jealous God. He is jealous for our relationship, because we are rightfully His. The more time I spend with Him, the more I realize that this world and all it's treasures are nothing. There's nothing this world could give me to take His place. He is everything. He is everything I want and need, I just didn't know it. "O God, you are my God; I earnestly search for you. My soul thirsts for you; my whole body longs for you in this parched and weary land where there is no water" (Psalm 63:1).
In my Old Testament class I wrote my final paper on David: a man after God's own heart. I learned so much from this. I discovered what God means when he says someone is after His heart. As I studied David's life, I realized something: David's heart was not perfect, quite the opposite in fact. David wrote Psalm 51 after he was confronted about committing adultery with Bathsheba. After he committed adultery with her, God told him the child would die. Yet in this Psalm, we don't see David grieving the loss of his child, but rather grieving that he lost communion with God! What commitment and love! David remembers the days he used to live in God's presence and he grieves that he lost that. He pleads for those days back. He longs for God. He's also very honest with his weakness. All throughout this Psalm David pleads with God to create in him a pure heart, to sustain him so he can do right, and to uphold him. He knew that he wanted to please God, but he also knew he couldn't do that without God's help. He realized his need for God. David made mistakes, but his heart belonged to God all along. He loved God above all else. Even in the Old Testament, pleasing God wasn't about the works, or the sacrifices, it was about the heart. God still wanted a heart committed to Him, and a heart in love with Him. Studying the one God called a man after His own heart shows what is really important to God. But you know what amazes me even more than this? How much God honored David for his love for God. God promised David that his seed would reign forever from David's throne in Jerusalem. There are so many times in the Old Testament when God wants to destroy Israel because of their rebellion but He always says, "I won't because of the promise I made to David." God was so committed to His promise to David. God even goes beyond this. Not only does He promise David that the Messiah would come from his line, but when Jesus was on earth he quoted David's words. He quoted them his last few hours of life on this earth. He said, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" David said these very words is Psalm 22:1. And then later Jesus says, "Into Your hands I commit my spirit." Again He's quoting David in Psalm 31:5. So we see David is also a type of Christ. Can you imagine what an honor it is that Jesus quoted David with His last words? Don't you think that a person with a heart after God is precious to Him after knowing this? Look how far God goes to honor David! It blows my mind and I still can't wrap my mind around it. After writing this paper, my goal in life is to be someone after God's heart. I feel like my mind has been renewed and I'm realizing the most important thing in this world is that I truly know God.
So, this blog couldn't contain all I learned this semester, but these are the highlights. I hope that whoever reads this has an amazing Christmas. Don't let it be about the gifts or the traditions, find Jesus in Christmas this year, and find His love. He loves you so much. Ask Him to show you...He will. Merry Christmas everyone!

"The LORD is good to all;
   he has compassion on all he has made.
 All your works praise you, LORD;
   your faithful people extol you.
They tell of the glory of your kingdom
   and speak of your might,
so that all people may know of your mighty acts
   and the glorious splendor of your kingdom.
 Your kingdom is an everlasting kingdom,
   and your dominion endures through all generations.  
The LORD is trustworthy in all he promises
   and faithful in all he does" (Psalm 145:9-13).

My Heart....it Burns

So it's hard to believe this semester is almost over!  It's been a wild ride to say the least. I don't even know where to start to be honest. God has turned my world upside down.  I feel like all the things I used to associate myself with have been stripped away so that I don't recognize who I am anymore.  The only thing I know is that I'm so swept away in who God is. He's showed me that His plan is way bigger than I could have imagined. I remember when it was hard to pray for an hour, but God has given me this passion so strongly that I crave Him like I crave food or water or sleep. It's so beyond what I understand, but I know that I wish I could just lock myself in a room with a piano and just play and sing to Him and never stop. What is this passion that I can't explain?  It's so unreasonable, crazy, and radical, but I know it's what I was born for. I was born to adore Him. I'm realizing for the first time how reasons to adore Him are endless.  I learn more every day of how worthy of adoration He is. His presence is all I want anymore. I'm tired of staying in the same old place. I want to be where God is. I know this is dangerous to say, but I want to go wherever He leads me. I know that He will be there with me. That's all that matters anymore. My prayer is that this passion can show in my lifestyle. I pray that I have the courage to go where everyone says is too dangerous or too crazy.  I want to live the dangerous life for Him. I'm tired of fear holding me back. God is on my side. Is there anyone greater than Him? Is there anyone greater to fear than Him? What has held me back all these years? I'm determined to be different. I'm determined to be that Christian that's just a little too crazy, a little too radical, a little too passionate, and a little to disruptive. I want to be all this and more for the glory of God. I can't do this without Him. He's given me this passion, so I'm trusting He'll give me the boldness to carry this out. I can't hold this passion in anymore. It's seeping out all over the place when I worship. I can't get enough of Him, yet my heart burns so much in His presence, sometimes I feel like I could die, but I don't even care! As long as I'm with Him, nothing else matters. Nothing else matters but His presence and all He is. I long to know the mystery of Him. Even as I type this, my heart is burning. It's burning so strong. I don't know what He's doing inside me but it's crazy and so wonderful. I'm new. I'm new. He's made me whole. No longer am I living in hurt and pain. He's set me free. Yes, I'm still messed up in so many ways, but I'm satisfied to be messed up my whole life as long as God walks me through it all. I know in time, I'll be everything He created me to be. For now, I'm happy to spend my whole life in this crazy love story, just discovering who my Jesus is. Who is this wonderful being who makes my heart burn and my eyes overflow with tears? My eyes overflow with tears out of longing to be closer to Him. I feel as though I'm going crazy. If I'm crazy, this is glorious insanity. I'm so full of joy. I've discovered the meaning of life and I want to shout it from the rooftops. I'm so in love with Jesus! He has made me new. He has set me free. I love Him more than all others!
So yeah things are going great!  Oh and on a side note..I should say that God has given me some of the greatest friends here who also share in my love for Him. I am so blessed. I can't wait to make a difference in this world with God as my only source of help. Life is good, so good. :)