It's been so long since there has been a rainy day here. I'm sitting in my room with my fan on with the smell of rain sweeping into my window. My poetic mind is reminded that even in the times of life when it rains and you can't see the sun, there is always an aroma of God's grace there, we just have to look for it. I've been in a time of swiftly moving forward in my life, but yet trying to not forget memories, even the ones that hurt me. As I was talking to a friend last night about my past, I realized that it's hard for me to connect with my past. I don't know who I was back then. It's not always easy for me to look back and smile, simply because I don't know that girl anymore. I was living in hurt for so long and I finally feel so happy. So what do I make of the memories of the old me? What do I do with them? I could let them control who I am today. I've done that for awhile. It's been hard for me to let anyone get close to me because I'm so scared of losing them. The truth is is that God brings people into our lives to love. He brings friends into our lives for a reason. Instead of dwelling on the hurt of friendships or relationships not working out, it's good to be grateful that we've had those times. God is bringing to me a place where I can realize that I have a blessed life. I'm blessed to have been a part of peoples lives even if I am not now. I'm also realizing that I don't need to be scared to let new friends be close to me. Even if I lose them one day, I can look back and smile on the fond memories we have together. Through all the hurt and pain, I can finally look back and see God's blueprint on my life. I don't understand everything, but I know that I am a better person today because of all the people God put in my life and all the hurt that I went through. The truth is, you can't love anything or anyone without being hurt. People are imperfect and we all hurt each other. Loving is a risk. I love what C.S. Lewis said, “To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” ― C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves
When we open our hearts up to love, we are opening ourselves up to hurt. But we can't just live in a coffin and ever expect to truly be happy. Relationships with God and others is what makes life meaningful. It's not success or hobbies or money or talent, or romance... it's the relationships -- the ones that are fulfilling and the ones that break your heart.
I'm learning a lot about who I am. There is no reason I should change who I am for anybody. This is definitely a work in progress for me, because I always have wanted people to like me. I love people and I want them to love me back, but unfortunately that can't always be the case. I'm slowly beginning to know who I am and be comfortable with that. The truth is, I am a Jesus loving, curly-haired, strong-willed goofy, hyper, sometimes shy, weirdo...and that is okay. I have my issues, but we all do. Why do we try so hard to be perfect? We aren't. God knows we aren't. If we have given Him control of our lives we are under His grace. We should want to be like Him, but when we fall short (and we will everyday) it is okay. He knows we are only dust.
This summer is taking a crazy turn. I was rather annoyed at God that I was not going to Africa this summer yet again. Then I thought maybe He wanted me to go to Florida to see my family instead. When that didn't work out either I was like, "God, what the heck? I thought you had an adventure this summer? I feel like I have nothing to look forward to." I started to accept the fact that I was just going to work this summer and I felt peace about it. I really wanted to use my gifts for ministry or something. Then I thought maybe God just wanted to use me at work, which I think He is. He's given me such a love for the people there. I'm excited to get to know everyone more. But I wanted more for this summer. I wanted to do something even more exciting. Well, God provided. He swung a door wide open for me. I will not be specific yet because I don't find it necessary, but God is definitely making this summer way more exciting than I expected! God is so faithful to blow my expectations. I'm still so amazed at what He is doing in my family and in my life! What a blessing I am living right now! I thought I was going to miss Elim like crazy, but the truth is, I miss everyone, but I'm so excited about what God is doing now I'm in no hurry to get back. I'm content.
Well, I will hopefully find time to write again soon. Blessings to you all!