Wednesday, October 3, 2012

She Pondered All These Things in Her Heart.

My heart is so full after almost four weeks of NYSUM. God has done more in me I could ever imagine. It's funny because I'm not sure if I could sum up all He did in me. All I know is my heart feels different. I have this joy and peace in my heart telling me I am where I am supposed to be. I'm content, so content, and so in love with my Jesus. The city has captured my heart. I never though it would, but it has and does every day. I love the people here. I love the diversity, and the different churches. It's so beautiful to see so many different people live in the same place and do things differently. It's amazing to walk into a church that is a different culture and have them accept you as if you were like them. I feel like God has given me His heart for the people here. I see this beauty all around me and this overwhelming love for the people here. I may be a country girl, but my heart has been enlarged for the city. There's such beauty if you dare to look, if you allow God to open your eyes.
These weeks have been hard for me, not so much in the ministries we do, but more so dealing with my own junk while I'm trying to minister. Up until this week I've been wrestling with God over some issues in my life. I've been seeking Him for clarification on many things having to do with my future. Up until this week, I've been seeking God for answers rather than seeking Him for Him. He spoke to me this week telling me that I had forgotten about Him. I was spending time with Him simply to understand more about my life. God has asked me to lay those things aside and just be with Him. It's all about Him anyways. Everything will fall into place in it's own time if God is the center. God has just been showing me that He is faithful. I don't need to worry about the outcome of situations because God is faithful. If I give it to Him, He can take care of it. It's all bigger than me anyways. Why would I think I could handle everything and figure it all out anyways? Today during worship time I was telling God that I surrendered these things to Him and almost in the same breathe I felt this sadness come over me. I said, "But God, this situation is so important to me!" Almost before I finished my sentence I felt God embrace me in His arms and I heard Him say, "I know. I will take care of it for you. You can trust me. Put it in my care." It's like the verse that says, "Cast your cares on the Lord for He cares for you." He is more faithful with our situations than we are.
Another thing God has shown me this trip is that I am a perfectionist, but it's okay to be imperfect. I try so hard to deal with my issues in just the right way. The truth is, we learn as we go. God shapes us through situations that we succeed and fail in. One night in my journal God said to me, "How can I form something that is already formed? How can I perfect something that is already perfect? You are the clay and I am the Potter. I love being a Potter. I smooth your rough edges as time goes on. I don't remove the rough edges, rather I smooth them. So don't get rid of your imperfections, because you might be getting rid of something that I desire to smooth out. Why do you try to be a finished pot of fine china? You are only clay. Let me form you day by day. You aren't finished yet."
As humans we have a tendency to try to be a finished project. God isn't finished with us yet. Why do we feel like we have to be perfect? It's so far from reality. Why don't we just accept our imperfections and let God shape and form them to be all He wants them to be? That's all God asks of us: stop trying to be perfect and just accept the fact that you are clay. One day you will be finished, but you can't be finished unless you allow yourself to be formed.
What a good God I serve! I can't grasp all He has for me, but I just am loving life right now! My heart is pondering so many things in my life and the purpose of them. God is so faithful. How could I not trust His divine hand on my life? He has never forsaken me. He has guarded my life. He has showered me with His love, guidance and blessings. All I want to do is share His love with others. He is the answer to everything. He has given me such peace. What joy I have in my heart! I'm so excited to see all He has for me and how He works things out.
I do have lots of stories about encounters with people but I'm not sure I'm up to sharing all that right now. Next time! Blessings!