Thursday, February 11, 2016

It's Been a Long, Long Time

Life got away with me. I haven't posted in this blog for two years. But something in my heart has desperately missed writing. It's like I desire to have a pen pal, or someone to just listen to my thoughts that may or may not be relevant to anything in this moment.
I won't update you on everything only because it would take too long, but I will tell you that I am engaged now, and very quickly approaching the wedding date, and that last year I spent 9 months in Asia doing missions work.
Now I am settling in, I currently don't have a job, but I am spending a lot of time on things that I've wanted to for so long. Some of those things include writing music, developing my musical skill and learning how to cook so my future husband doesn't starve ;)
I've also had time to process the last four years of my life in a new way. A lot has happened... a lot of good and a lot of bad. Something God has been showing me is that somewhere along the way I became guarded towards people. I've put up walls around my heart, when it really should be a picket fence that has a gate that opens and closes when necessary. But instead, hurt caused me to build a brick wall with some people permanently in, and others completely blocked out. There is a problem with this though. You become so consumed with your own hurt and fears that you forget that there is a hurting world out that that needs someone to love them. Lately, I've been sorting through past hurts and fears and people in my past, trying to figure out just when I decided to shut the world out, and how to reverse it. Boundaries are necessary at times, but walls? No, I don't think that's a boundary. That's more like a permanent blockade.
I've been hurt by people, who hasn't? Everyone has been hurt by someone, and some people have been hurt by many, many someones. The question is, how do we love hurting people without being hurt ourselves by them? How can we prevent the daggers from penetrating our hearts? Or how do we love, when we are hurt ourselves?
I suppose by giving our hearts to the only one who can protect it. There is no fear in love. Quite honestly, I have much fear when I think of loving people the way God calls us to love. Laying our life down. Putting it all on the table. Being vulnerable. All things that have hurt me in the past. But it begs the question...who are we loving for? Are we loving simply because we want to give to others? Or are we loving because we need love in return? The latter is not love at all, but rather codependency. Sometimes we want to love others just to love others, but if the source of our love does not stem from God's love flowing into us, it is a selfish love, which is not love at all.
Lord Jesus, teach us what it means to love the way You do, because our way is so flawed, so needy, so codependent, and so distorted. Your love is perfect, radical, sacrificial, and free from fear of rejection. Teach us how to love like that.
"There is not fear in love, instead, complete/perfect love drives out fear" 1 John 4:18.