I haven't written in awhile, mostly because I haven't had anything worthwhile to say. I've been in a discouraged gloom lately which God has been working me through. It's like since I left Elim my heart has become cold to the things of God. I wasn't sure why. It's not like I ever wanted it that way. What I've begun to realize is that God is pulling away from me that I might draw near to Him. He's showing me that if I really want to do this thing, if I really want to make a difference, I need to be committed to it. God needs to be my first thought when I wake up in the morning. He needs to be my driving passion. His love and passion need to be the center of who I am and the reason I do everything. It can't be unless I learn to run after God even when He seems far away. God can not entrust us with greater anointing or greater tasks until He sees that we are committed.
These past few months I've felt like God has forgotten His promises to me. I also felt like I failed Him and that I was doing something wrong. The things He promised me seemed forgotten. He gave me all these promises that He wanted to use me to make a difference, but here I was with no visible fruit in my life. I finally got honest with God. Did you know that God wants us to be honest with Him whether we have a good attitude or not? He already knows what is going on. So many times we walk around saying that God is good and that we are doing great when on the inside we are screaming, "I can't do this anymore! I can't pretend that I'm satisfied! God, where are you and what are you doing? I'm done being fake! I'm angry, I'm upset and I'm hurt and confused!" God already knows our hearts, but He wants us to know what is going on too. Sometimes we don't understand what is going on inside us until we vent it out to God. This is what happened to me last week. I told God that I felt like He forgot me. It's funny how very often when we are honest with God, He speaks to us powerfully or at least finally addresses the issue. All weekend I've been going to these meetings with worship leader/speaker Roy Fields and his wife. God is definitely with their ministry and it's clear they are after the heart of God. God spoke to me so clearly last night and just removed all my discouragement. I heard Him say in my spirit, "I have NOT forgotten you!" It was so powerful. I'm starting to remember the dreams He gave me a long time ago. The dreams that I had forgotten because they seemed so far away and so unrealistic. I feel so incapable of living up to those dreams. But God confirmed to me last night that He is making me ready for these things and that these dreams are from Him. He puts dreams in our hearts. He puts BIG dreams in our hearts so that we cannot accomplish them without Him.
Something else God has spoken to me this weekend is that my music needs to be about Him. I've realized that when I lead worship I focus so much on my voice sounding good that I forget who I am singing to. When I lead worship or sing I want to make God famous. I don't want to just sing songs... I want His power and anointing to change lives through my voice. I no longer want the credit given to me. Instead of people complimenting my voice, I want people to tell me that God touched them powerfully in worship. I don't want to play these games anymore. I want to be where God wants me. I don't want to push myself to be anywhere unless God says that's where He wants to use me. Enough of my own agenda! It never works anyways. I want to be used by God powerfully and I want to know His heart. I want to go where I am put by Him.
I'm remembering that God is all that matters. I'm once again so hungry to know Him and to be touched once again by Him. One touch from Him will change you forever. Once you are touched by Him you realize that He is so wonderful. Nothing will ever satisfy you again but Him, because nothing compares with Him. No one else holds a candle to Him. He is so beautiful and marvelous. Why do we run elsewhere when He is everything we need? I want people to see Jesus in everything I do. I don't want to hold anything back from God anymore. His way is best and it always will be.
If you are feeling discouraged like God can never use you, I believe that God would say to you, "Watch me!" Surrender yourself to His will and His plan. See what He does! What do you have to lose? You are discouraged and depressed, you can only go up! Let Him show His glory through you! If you thought you were capable, God couldn't show His glory through you as much. He wants all the credit. Just remember, the pressure is all on God, not you. He will come through for you!