I've decided I'm going to write more, if my schedule allows. I feel like I have so much inside of me that needs to be typed on sometimes. I might as well use my blog to do it. Maybe someone else can benefit from my ponderings other than myself.
As I've been home I've come to love it here once again. The atmosphere is so different than at Elim. It's not as sheltered or as safe, however it's the real world. I've been doing a lot of thinking. I'm by myself a lot and my mind gets wandering sometimes. I love my home, and I'm grateful for the beautiful countryside I live in. Before last February I was unable to really appreciate it here. Going home flooded me with memories I would have rather forgotten. It reminds me of my high school years. My high school years were very different, although not that long ago. It's only been a little over a year. Whenever I think back to high school, it makes me sad. The majority of what I can see is broken relationships, broken friendships, and broken hearts. Now don't get me wrong, compared to most people, I had it made. I have just lost many of my friends I thought I would always have. I suppose it hurts to know that they are moving on, experiencing a new life, and have forgotten about me. I'm not saying this for some sort of pity party. I find it interesting. Even though I've experienced much hurt the past few years, I can look back and see God's hand in it. I do not have an answer to every trial or every broken heart I've had myself or have caused, but I know that God taught me things. He matured me. He has shown me that people let you down, and we let people down, yet He is always there and will never leave. He's not about to give up on us or walk away from us because we've hurt Him. He's faithful to us. He never takes the side of the accuser, He always takes our side. I think before I went to Elim I did not realize how much I've learned the past few years through hard times. Some of my friends would experience hard things and I suddenly knew exactly what to say. I found myself thinking, "Wow, God! I didn't know that wisdom was in there!" If you stay close to God, it's when you are kicked around, hurt, rejected, confused and lonely when you grow and learn the most! It's NOT all for nothing. That has been a lie I've believed. I was convinced my high school years were a waste. "I could have gotten my GED and left high school early," I thought. But no, it was not God's plan. He knew I would be leaving prematurely. There were still lessons to be learned. If I was never hurt, I would have never learned how to let Him heal me. More importantly, if I was never hurt, I never would be able to understand the hurts of others. I truly believe God is training to me to minister to broken hearts. I know others have experienced worse than I, much worse. I still know what a broken heart is, even if not to its greatest extent. I've learned to think that if what I've been through hurt that bad, how much worse does it feel for someone who has been through worse? My heart breaks for those who hurt. I wish I could help the mom sobbing wishing her baby to come home knowing he never will, or the wife who realizes her husband will never return from war. I know I can't, but my God can. He was there for me in smaller hurts than this, He will be faithful to be there for those suffering intense pain.
So when you are feeling like your sufferings and hurts have no purpose, please just remember that God will work it out for good if you let Him. You can fight Him, but He wants to give you a good life. He wants to use you. Don't even feel like what you're going through is for nothing. It may seem pointless, but with God, there is always a point to everything. Let Him lead you.
This post seems rather chaotic and random, but I hope someone receives from this. Thanks for reading!