Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Feeling Young Again.

Hello again!  So I decided to share what's been happening in my life lately.  For those of you who don't know, about three months ago I broke up with my boyfriend of two years.  Not because he was a bad boyfriend, but simply because God was calling us in different directions.  This has probably been the most hard, painful, confusing, wonderful, exciting time of my life.  At first it was difficult, but God was faithful to surround me with friends who were there when I needed them.  It seemed like God was taking care of everything and I finally felt as though I was moving on.  It was still hard at times of course because not only was my boyfriend a great boyfriend, he has become one of the best friends I ever had.  So not being able to talk to him was, at times, very painful.  But still, everything was going the way I expected it to.  I was soaring in my relationship with God, I had made a ton of new friends, and life was good.  Then God threw me for a loop I was not expecting.  My ex boyfriend and a close friend of mine starting dating.  Let me say first of all that my friend had been talking to me about this for awhile and was very sensitive and loving through it all.  I don't want anyone thinking I have a jerky friend cause it's not true at all.  Anyways...letting go of him as a boyfriend was one thing, but realizing he was with someone I knew was quite another.  I struggled with anger and hurt and it just wasn't a good time.  As I talked to God about it, I realized that He was allowing this.  I was angry at Him that He was, but He was!  I couldn't believe that God would ask me to let go of someone I cared so much about, and then expect me to watch him with my friend and be okay with it.  As I prayed and prayed about this, God showed me that if I had an issue with this, I hadn't truly let go.  I hadn't totally given Him the situation.  And I also realized my friend was extremely sensitive and careful around me about mentioning it.  I'm so grateful to her.  She has been so sensitive to put herself in my shoes and make sure she's not hurting me.  God had blessed me with a great friend and I realized it wasn't worth it to be angry.  I had no right to be angry.  I let him go.  I gave the situation to God.  I also realized I hadn't forgiven myself for hurting the him.  Even though I did the right thing, I held myself accountable for all the hurt I caused him.  I knew that I crushed him, and there's nothing worse than knowing you can't comfort someone you love because you're the one who hurt him.  So recently I have given all this to God and I've had such a freedom!  I feel like a child again.  I don't care what anyone thinks and I'm so happy being single right now.  Sure, I want to be pursued every now and then, but God is teaching me to let Him be the pursuer.  I'm learning to love God in a whole new way.  It's crazy how different I am now.  I really feel like a little kid again.  I just feel like I can run and play and sing and dance and not care what anyone thinks.  I'm no longer trying to impress anyone because my future husband is going to love who I am and will think I'm the most beautiful thing even if my hair is all messy and I have dirt on my feet and I'm not wearing makeup.  I want him to love me just as I am, and I'm not going to settle for someone who wants to change me.  Thinking like this is so so soooo freeing.  If there are any girls reading this, please know that if you have to change yourself for a guy to love you or approve of you, he's not the right one for you.  God matches us perfectly, and a relationship shouldn't be a constant uphill battle.  This is probably one of the biggest lessons I've learned through all of this.  If you're dating someone and you're both pulling at each other constantly, and have to fight to keep the relationship alive, it's most likely not meant to be.  Maybe I'm wrong, but if you're in God's will, it shouldn't feel like you're straining all the time.  God says "My yoke is easy and My burden is light."  That doesn't mean there won't be hard times, but there should be rest in the midst of it all.  I have found that rest.  I'm sure I'm going to get hit with really really hard times, but as long as God is my refuge, I know I'll be just than fine.  My life is an adventure and I can't wait to see what's around the next bend.  I can't wait to see what God has in store.  I know that it's gonna be wild.  I'm just so happy with life right now.  Just know that whatever you're going through, God can and will work it out for good if you give it to Him.

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