It's Been Awhile...

Hello all! It has been quite awhile since I've posted anything, but I'm hoping to write much more in the future! Since I've written last, I've gone to NYC to do ministry, I started a new relationship, finished my junior year in Bible College,  gone to Peru for three weeks on a missions trip, worked with children at a Christian retreat for the summer, and became a Senior in Bible college! It has been quite the year of change and transitions, but I am excited about each and every change that has come into my life. God has been teaching me so much about being a leader and about overcoming my own fears and insecurities. It seems like when I step out of my comfort zone in one area, God brings me to a new level of discomfort. He never lets me get comfortable where I'm at. He is always pushing me to be the best I can be. I feel like I'm always being pushed outside my limits, but of course you can only become better if you are pushed beyond what you think you can do.
This year at Bible College I am an RA, which basically means I'm to watch over a group of girls and we have small group meetings once a week. It's strange to think that I'm in this new place when I remember what it was like to come in as a freshman and meet my RA. I don't feel that old yet! I feel very incapable of this job, but with every other thing this year that I felt incapable of, God has helped me! He enabled me to be what I could never be without Him. Over and over this summer when I thought I couldn't do something, and God met me in my weakness.
This past summer God really pushed me in my music. I go to a college where everyone seems to be musical, so I became very discouraged last year thinking God didn't want to use my music, but He wouldn't let me forget about it. I tried to give up at one point, but God wouldn't let me. This summer I was helping with worship team about twice a day, and God opened up doors for me in music. I started to believe I could lead worship and record music, just like I've wanted to do for so long. I was so encouraged this summer in my music. I actually got to record a song with a friend. I'm telling you this for two reasons: one, keep an eye out for my music that I might be posting on here eventually; and secondly, God will not let you forget your dreams. I love how God fought for the gifts and the dreams that He has put in my heart. He will do the same for you. Don't give up on the dreams that are in your heart. God loves to put dreams, crazy dreams in our hearts and then watch our amusement as He causes them to come to pass. Trust in Him and wait for Him to fulfill those dreams. He will, if He put those in your heart.
I will post another blog again soon! :)

She Pondered All These Things in Her Heart.

My heart is so full after almost four weeks of NYSUM. God has done more in me I could ever imagine. It's funny because I'm not sure if I could sum up all He did in me. All I know is my heart feels different. I have this joy and peace in my heart telling me I am where I am supposed to be. I'm content, so content, and so in love with my Jesus. The city has captured my heart. I never though it would, but it has and does every day. I love the people here. I love the diversity, and the different churches. It's so beautiful to see so many different people live in the same place and do things differently. It's amazing to walk into a church that is a different culture and have them accept you as if you were like them. I feel like God has given me His heart for the people here. I see this beauty all around me and this overwhelming love for the people here. I may be a country girl, but my heart has been enlarged for the city. There's such beauty if you dare to look, if you allow God to open your eyes.
These weeks have been hard for me, not so much in the ministries we do, but more so dealing with my own junk while I'm trying to minister. Up until this week I've been wrestling with God over some issues in my life. I've been seeking Him for clarification on many things having to do with my future. Up until this week, I've been seeking God for answers rather than seeking Him for Him. He spoke to me this week telling me that I had forgotten about Him. I was spending time with Him simply to understand more about my life. God has asked me to lay those things aside and just be with Him. It's all about Him anyways. Everything will fall into place in it's own time if God is the center. God has just been showing me that He is faithful. I don't need to worry about the outcome of situations because God is faithful. If I give it to Him, He can take care of it. It's all bigger than me anyways. Why would I think I could handle everything and figure it all out anyways? Today during worship time I was telling God that I surrendered these things to Him and almost in the same breathe I felt this sadness come over me. I said, "But God, this situation is so important to me!" Almost before I finished my sentence I felt God embrace me in His arms and I heard Him say, "I know. I will take care of it for you. You can trust me. Put it in my care." It's like the verse that says, "Cast your cares on the Lord for He cares for you." He is more faithful with our situations than we are.
Another thing God has shown me this trip is that I am a perfectionist, but it's okay to be imperfect. I try so hard to deal with my issues in just the right way. The truth is, we learn as we go. God shapes us through situations that we succeed and fail in. One night in my journal God said to me, "How can I form something that is already formed? How can I perfect something that is already perfect? You are the clay and I am the Potter. I love being a Potter. I smooth your rough edges as time goes on. I don't remove the rough edges, rather I smooth them. So don't get rid of your imperfections, because you might be getting rid of something that I desire to smooth out. Why do you try to be a finished pot of fine china? You are only clay. Let me form you day by day. You aren't finished yet."
As humans we have a tendency to try to be a finished project. God isn't finished with us yet. Why do we feel like we have to be perfect? It's so far from reality. Why don't we just accept our imperfections and let God shape and form them to be all He wants them to be? That's all God asks of us: stop trying to be perfect and just accept the fact that you are clay. One day you will be finished, but you can't be finished unless you allow yourself to be formed.
What a good God I serve! I can't grasp all He has for me, but I just am loving life right now! My heart is pondering so many things in my life and the purpose of them. God is so faithful. How could I not trust His divine hand on my life? He has never forsaken me. He has guarded my life. He has showered me with His love, guidance and blessings. All I want to do is share His love with others. He is the answer to everything. He has given me such peace. What joy I have in my heart! I'm so excited to see all He has for me and how He works things out.
I do have lots of stories about encounters with people but I'm not sure I'm up to sharing all that right now. Next time! Blessings!

First Week Down, Four and One-half More to Go!

Well, my first week of NYSUM was pretty good. We are very busy, but that was to be expected. The funny thing about New York City is that there are parts of it that are just beautiful. Before I came I was expecting to not like the city. I'm definitely a country girl. I feel close to God in nature, around God's creation. The beginning of this week we had some seminars, and one thing a man said was that those of us from the country tend to forget that people are God's creation too. That hit me hard. God cares a lot more for His people than He does for His countryside. Perhaps my priorities are a bit distorted.

I think when I decided I liked the city was when I rode the Staten Island Ferry for the first time at night. Not to be a total hopeless romantic, but it was one of the most romantic sights I have ever seen! This picture doesn't do it justice at all. I was just overwhelmed by the lights on the water. I've never seen anything like it. I suppose I never thought something man made could be so amazingly beautiful. I'm reminded, however, that God created the creativity of man as well. How beautiful is that?

We also did prayer ministry in Central park. We set up a booth and prayed for whoever needed it. It was a great opportunity to reach into other people's lives. I also just enjoyed how artsy Central Park is. There were so many people playing music and it just gave the atmosphere even more beauty to it.  Being a country girl, I wasn't expecting much for a park in the middle of a big city. "What do they know of parks," I thought. However, what a beautiful sight it was. It wasn't like a park in the country, it had it's own originality. It's funny how God can teach you things through landmarks. I felt like I was taking a big piece of humble pie.

There's definitely been some hard times here as I am learning to let God clean me out. I can't quite explain it, but it's like God is opening up my heart and taking all the junk out, but in the mean time I feel quite awful. My emotions are everywhere. I'm either laughing or crying it seems. I think God is allowing me to just pour out all that's in me that needs to come out, whether it's through tears or laughter. It's rather hard though because people I'm used to talking to are not here to talk to, so I'm forced to rely on different people and God more. It's good, but very painful at times. There's been times that the only person I want to vent to isn't there to vent to, so I have to go elsewhere. God is showing me how much I rely on certain people more than others. I need to rely on Him most of all. Why is it so hard to rely on Him at times? I've realized it's because from the beginning of our lives, everything has been about what we can see, feel, taste, smell and hear. We can't usually do any of those things with God. God may be more faithful than anyone else, but in order for us to totally trust Him, He's gotta work all of that stuff out of us. It's been hammered into us from children, until now, and God has to undo a lot of that. I want to trust God so much, but there's so many things that I am holding onto. There's so many things I want an answer or a reason for, but God just says, "Trust Me." Sometimes God sounds like a broken record to me, but that's probably only because I haven't gotten the message yet.
As I've spent more time here, I've realized how important my personal time with God is. I crave it. Those times when I'm surrounded by people and I'm annoyed and I want to cry and I can't get away, I long for God's presence. I long to just be with Him. You don't realize how good that time really is until you can't have it whenever you want to. I do make time for God everyday, but with all this stress and teamwork, it doesn't always feel like enough. There's many times I just want to hide away from everyone else and just be with God. He is enough, and I am learning that. I don't need anyone but Him. I'm sure as these weeks go by swiftly, I'll be learning that lesson over and over again.
Whoever is reading this, your prayers would be appreciated for us here in the big city. We will be doing a lot of ministry in the upcoming four weeks. Until next time! Blessings!

NYSUM...The Excitement and the Dread.

I'm here on my internship at NYSUM. It's in NYC and my team and I will do ministry in the city for about five weeks. The number one theme is flexibility. This is a hard one for me. I like to have a plan and stick to it. I hate it when things don't go as planned, but I need to realize that everything is in God's plan. As we do ministry we may be asked to do things on the spot, for example, preach on the subway, or lead worship or do skits, ect. This is so difficult for me, but I am confident God will address a lot of fear I deal with.
NYSUM is scary to me for many reasons. I am scared of speaking in front of people. I desire to do it, but I'm scared to actually step out in it. I want to share the love of Christ, but there's this fear in me that freezes me. I was honest with God yesterday as I arrived in NYC. I told Him that I wanted to be willing to do anything. But I also told Him I couldn't promise Him I could always follow through. I couldn't promise Him that I wouldn't shrink back in fear at times, but I would try to follow through. My heart's desire is to be fearless and unashamed of the Gospel, but I'm not there yet in all honesty. My knees knock and my heart faints when I think of sharing the Gospel with others. I'm scared even to be in the city. I'm a country girl. I don't feel like I belong here, yet here I am. I feel like I could drown in such a huge city. My comfort zone is in my field with my guitar. This is another world to me, yet God has put me here. It's so unreal. I can't wait to see what He does in me and in those around me. I can't wait to see how I will be used by God.
Another reason NYSUM is hard for me is because during this time I'm letting go of some hopes and dreams, hoping I will get them back, but not having a promise that I will. It's very scary to place something in God's hands not knowing if you will get it back, but that's what God has asked me to do. God is teaching me to rely fully on Him and no one else. As hard as this is, there is peace in the midst of it. I don't know what my time here holds for me, but I know that God has me in His hands. He's been so faithful to show me that.

So the first experience I had in the city was this morning on a rooftop. Me and one other person on my team was asked to lead in worship on the rooftop as we prayed for the victims of 9-11. Up there we could see the whole city. It was beautiful. We interceded and worshiped over the city. It was just amazing to be there singing to God. I may never get to do anything like that again, so it was very special. I've posted some pictures of the view.
I do not have a lot of time, so this is a short one. However, keep me and my class in prayer, as I'm sure there will be warfare against us as we minister to dark places. Pray for unity and focus for all of us. Blessings to you! Thank you for reading. Hopefully I will be able to write again soon.

Old Dreams Remembered

I haven't written in awhile, mostly because I haven't had anything worthwhile to say. I've been in a discouraged gloom lately which God has been working me through. It's like since I left Elim my heart has become cold to the things of God. I wasn't sure why. It's not like I ever wanted it that way. What I've begun to realize is that God is pulling away from me that I might draw near to Him. He's showing me that if I really want to do this thing, if I really want to make a difference, I need to be committed to it. God needs to be my first thought when I wake up in the morning. He needs to be my driving passion. His love and passion need to be the center of who I am and the reason I do everything. It can't be unless I learn to run after God even when He seems far away. God can not entrust us with greater anointing or greater tasks until He sees that we are committed.
These past few months I've felt like God has forgotten His promises to me. I also felt like I failed Him and that I was doing something wrong. The things He promised me seemed forgotten. He gave me all these promises that He wanted to use me to make a difference, but here I was with no visible fruit in my life. I finally got honest with God. Did you know that God wants us to be honest with Him whether we have a good attitude or not? He already knows what is going on. So many times we walk around saying that God is good and that we are doing great when on the inside we are screaming, "I can't do this anymore! I can't pretend that I'm satisfied! God, where are you and what are you doing? I'm done being fake! I'm angry, I'm upset and I'm hurt and confused!" God already knows our hearts, but He wants us to know what is going on too. Sometimes we don't understand what is going on inside us until we vent it out to God. This is what happened to me last week. I told God that I felt like He forgot me. It's funny how very often when we are honest with God, He speaks to us powerfully or at least finally addresses the issue. All weekend I've been going to these meetings with worship leader/speaker Roy Fields and his wife. God is definitely with their ministry and it's clear they are after the heart of God. God spoke to me so clearly last night and just removed all my discouragement. I heard Him say in my spirit, "I have NOT forgotten you!" It was so powerful. I'm starting to remember the dreams He gave me a long time ago. The dreams that I had forgotten because they seemed so far away and so unrealistic. I feel so incapable of living up to those dreams. But God confirmed to me last night that He is making me ready for these things and that these dreams are from Him. He puts dreams in our hearts. He puts BIG dreams in our hearts so that we cannot accomplish them without Him.
Something else God has spoken to me this weekend is that my music needs to be about Him. I've realized that when I lead worship I focus so much on my voice sounding good that I forget who I am singing to. When I lead worship or sing I want to make God famous. I don't want to just sing songs... I want His power and anointing to change lives through my voice. I no longer want the credit given to me. Instead of people complimenting my voice, I want people to tell me that God touched them powerfully in worship. I don't want to play these games anymore. I want to be where God wants me. I don't want to push myself to be anywhere unless God says that's where He wants to use me. Enough of my own agenda! It never works anyways. I want to be used by God powerfully and I want to know His heart. I want to go where I am put by Him.
I'm remembering that God is all that matters. I'm once again so hungry to know Him and to be touched once again by Him. One touch from Him will change you forever. Once you are touched by Him you realize that He is so wonderful. Nothing will ever satisfy you again but Him, because nothing compares with Him. No one else holds a candle to Him. He is so beautiful and marvelous. Why do we run elsewhere when He is everything we need? I want people to see Jesus in everything I do. I don't want to hold anything back from God anymore. His way is best and it always will be.
If you are feeling discouraged like God can never use you, I believe that God would say to you, "Watch me!" Surrender yourself to His will and His plan. See what He does! What do you have to lose? You are discouraged and depressed, you can only go up! Let Him show His glory through you! If you thought you were capable, God couldn't show His glory through you as much. He wants all the credit. Just remember, the pressure is all on God, not you. He will come through for you!

New and Old.

It's been so long since there has been a rainy day here. I'm sitting in my room with my fan on with the smell of rain sweeping into my window. My poetic mind is reminded that even in the times of life when it rains and you can't see the sun, there is always an aroma of God's grace there, we just have to look for it. I've been in a time of swiftly moving forward in my life, but yet trying to not forget memories, even the ones that hurt me. As I was talking to a friend last night about my past, I realized that it's hard for me to connect with my past. I don't know who I was back then. It's not always easy for me to look back and smile, simply because I don't know that girl anymore. I was living in hurt for so long and I finally feel so happy. So what do I make of the memories of the old me? What do I do with them? I could let them control who I am today. I've done that for awhile. It's been hard for me to let anyone get close to me because I'm so scared of losing them. The truth is is that God brings people into our lives to love. He brings friends into our lives for a reason. Instead of dwelling on the hurt of friendships or relationships not working out, it's good to be grateful that we've had those times. God is bringing to me a place where I can realize that I have a blessed life. I'm blessed to have been a part of peoples lives even if I am not now. I'm also realizing that I don't need to be scared to let new friends be close to me. Even if I lose them one day, I can look back and smile on the fond memories we have together. Through all the hurt and pain, I can finally look back and see God's blueprint on my life. I don't understand everything, but I know that I am a better person today because of all the people God put in my life and all the hurt that I went through. The truth is, you can't love anything or anyone without being hurt. People are imperfect and we all hurt each other. Loving is a risk. I love what C.S. Lewis said, “To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” ― C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves 
When we open our hearts up to love, we are opening ourselves up to hurt. But we can't just live in a coffin and ever expect to truly be happy. Relationships with God and others is what makes life meaningful. It's not success or hobbies or money or talent, or romance... it's the relationships -- the ones that are fulfilling and the ones that break your heart.
I'm learning a lot about who I am. There is no reason I should change who I am for anybody. This is definitely a work in progress for me, because I always have wanted people to like me. I love people and I want them to love me back, but unfortunately that can't always be the case. I'm slowly beginning to know who I am and be comfortable with that. The truth is, I am a Jesus loving, curly-haired, strong-willed goofy, hyper, sometimes shy, weirdo...and that is okay. I have my issues, but we all do. Why do we try so hard to be perfect? We aren't. God knows we aren't. If we have given Him control of our lives we are under His grace. We should want to be like Him, but when we fall short (and we will everyday) it is okay. He knows we are only dust.
This summer is taking a crazy turn. I was rather annoyed at God that I was not going to Africa this summer yet again. Then I thought maybe He wanted me to go to Florida to see my family instead. When that didn't work out either I was like, "God, what the heck? I thought you had an adventure this summer? I feel like I have nothing to look forward to." I started to accept the fact that I was just going to work this summer and I felt peace about it. I really wanted to use my gifts for ministry or something. Then I thought maybe God just wanted to use me at work, which I think He is. He's given me such a love for the people there. I'm excited to get to know everyone more. But I wanted more for this summer. I wanted to do something even more exciting. Well, God provided. He swung a door wide open for me. I will not be specific yet because I don't find it necessary, but God is definitely making this summer way more exciting than I expected! God is so faithful to blow my expectations. I'm still so amazed at what He is doing in my family and in my life! What a blessing I am living right now! I thought I was going to miss Elim like crazy, but the truth is, I miss everyone, but I'm so excited about what God is doing now I'm in no hurry to get back. I'm content.
Well, I will hopefully find time to write again soon. Blessings to you all!

Beautiful People... Beautiful Uncertainty.

God is so faithful. I got a great job that just landed in my lap. The people are great, and it pays pretty good. I had to get used to the idea of going to work everyday, seeing as how I became used to owning my own time. I received a pretty quick wake up call from real life. After the shock of it, I learned to accept the fact that I am an adult and I'm growing up. However, I will never allow myself to lose the simplicity and playfulness of a child. That's not something I ever want to part with, even when I'm old and grey with arthritis and no hearing.
Making time for God has been a struggle these past few weeks, although He's never far from my thoughts. I'm constantly asking Him to use me in the lives of those around me. I haven't told many of my co-workers, but I've grown to like them very much in just these few short weeks. I pray for them often and think of them often. Their personalities and interests are so different, but yet so beautiful. The more people I get to know, the more I learn to love the differences in everyone. It's amazing just how unique everyone is. God has been filling me with love for people to an extent I don't always understand or know how to express. I just feel like I'm overflowing sometimes and I want to pour God's love out on somehow. It sounds strange when I say it, but it's true. I just want people to know how beautiful their uniqueness is and that God made them that way. So few people know this. They feel the need to be like everyone else, not realizing they are compromising something very special Christ put in them: uniqueness. It's better for people to love you as you rather than love you for who you are pretending to be. As you read this you might be in the same place as I was at one point. I didn't know who I was, so I couldn't be me. God created you so He knows who you were meant to be. Ask Him to show you, and He will.
My life seems to be full of uncertainty right now. It's so easy to want to fight it and figure things out, but that would mess up God's lesson in the uncertainty. There have been some things that have consumed my thoughts so much that I've felt bad. I've said, "God, I'm so sorry You're not what is consuming my thoughts! I can't seem to focus." I just hear His still small whisper say, "My Kelsey, don't feel guilty for a lesson I am teaching you now." God knows our hearts and our struggles and wants to walk us through them. There's a few potential opportunities in my life now, but I don't know what God's will is for them. I want to record a cd, and I think it will happen but I don't know when or how. I feel God calling me to Africa, and I think it's for next summer, but I'm not totally sure. I have so many desires and passions rolling around in me, and I have no clue how they are going to fall into place. At first it drove me crazy. Now, I'm at peace. I'm sure at times I will become anxious again, but I'm slowly learning to embrace the uncertainty. I know that God's way is best. He's proven it to me again and again. I know that God sees the desires of my heart. He knows what I'm created for better than I do. I can trust my future with Him. Though my life is so uncertain right now, I know who is the author of my story and I know He delights in happy endings. I'll write again soon!